This anonymous plea for help arrived in my inbox the other day:

Dear Marcus

I hate patch fittings.
I hate them so much.
Is there anything Gravestmor can do about this?

Yours sincerely

Matthew Bennett Anonymous

Gravestmor shares your disgust for those shiny stainless steel glass clasps and in particular the fucking spider variety. Damn I can’t stand those spider fittings.

Here is a bit of advice if you are thinking of putting in a giant glass wall in your building:

IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD A BIG ENOUGH BIT OF GLASS - OR - IF YOUR ENGINEERS ARE TOO CRAP :

THEN

DO NOT DESIGN A GIANT GLASS WALL.

It is as simple as that. Giant glass walls, while although potentially very clear, do not stand up on their own, they need support and unless you are Harry Seidler and can order in a whole lot of 10.8m high bits of glass then just give it a rest.

So to answer our reader’s query:

“is there anything Gravestmor can do about this?”

Of course there is. There always is, but I will not pretend that it is going to be easy - getting rid of all the patch fittings will certainly take a long time and will require a great deal of commitment on the behalf of all involved - the frameless shower screens alone will employ the world’s supply of unemployed German architecture graduates for at least seven months. That said, people are passionate about this gear, I was on the phone to Alberto Campo Baeza only last thursday and he sounded like he was about to explode with rage over the whole issue.

Unbridled rage will not get us anywhere though; we need a gameplan to tackle this beast and so I propose a four pronged attack; one prong per Ridiculous Stainless Steel Stud Thing.

First Prong
Raise the public’s awareness. Bob Geldof has been contacted. He is talking to Bono. The wheels are in motion. So rest easy, this prong is under control.

Second Prong
Deployment of the Pompilidae Fitting - natural predator of the Spider Fitting. The Pompilidae Fitting plants its larvae into the spider fitting which later hatches and eats it from the inside out. Nasty but necessary.

Penultimate Prong
This is where the Masses of Unemployed German Architecture Graduates come in. They will spiral out from Germany in an anti-clockwise fashion, removing rectangular patch fittings from glass shower screens without prejudice. Within a month, most of Europe will safe and within seven we should be all clear.

Fourth Prong
Melt all salvaged patch fittings down to make one colossal patch fitting sculpture to be placed at an undisclosed - for safety reasons - location. This will serve as a constant reminder of mankind’s deviation from sensible glass fixing methods at the turn of the century.

Aftermath
Accept awards/garlands for ridding the world of such a heinous tectonic.